I was so surprised...to realize how much I've changed.
Okay, this may turn into a boring or self-centered, philosophical post, so if you're not into that, I recommend you go here instead. That'll be more interesting and insightful. haha
Anyway, the other day I was walking down the hallway at work and I realized, as I walked past a parent, that, while I still employ a brisk, hair-blowing walk (can't break that habit, sadly), I was holding my head so high I might have looked like I was snubbing them.
Now, this may not seem like that big a deal--wow, so you hold your head high; that means nothing!--well, my friend, this time the physical stereotype totally applies to me.
I specifically remember--because, annoyingly, I'm a very active thinker--walking from class to class in high school (and junior high, and elementary school), staring at the ground. And sometimes I would tell myself (seriously), "I just have to watch where I'm going. These halls are so crowded, gotta watch my stepping. It doesn't mean I'm self-conscious. I'm totally not."
But I totally was. And I knew it. I mean, if you have to pep-talk yourself and justify walking with your head down, I think you already know how (un)confident you are.
But I went through life for so long like this, pretending, even to myself when I could swing it, that I didn't have a confidence problem. "Fake it 'til you make it," they say. And I did my best to do so. Though, at the time I never thought I'd gain confidence. I honestly thought that was my normal, and that I'd never live life as one of those self-confident girls.
And then, college happened. And I started out just as self-conscience and scared as always, but somewhere along the way, my faking became superfluous. No one cared in college what I was doing or wearing--whether I was humming to myself as I walked, or if I wore a sweatshirt to class again today, or if I was too lazy to wake up early enough to shower before class. And as I realized that no one else cared, I began to slowly realize that I didn't really care, either.
I was in a sorority that made me meet new people--so many new people--and take on offices and lead people. People had confidence in me, and in my abilities. I had to talk to people, and in front of people, and for people. I couldn't be shy and insecure. There was no room for it.
I made new friends who loved me for me, and didn't try to keep me under their thumbs or laugh at me for things I said or make me feel useless--in fact, they sought out my attention and help and company--and I realized I had something useful inside me.
Somewhere along the way, the confidence that I faked--and I had begun to hold my head up as I walked, projecting the image of confidence wherever I went, hoping it would hold true--at some point, that confidence was real.
And I never even noticed.
How awesome, though, is marriage for your confidence, too? Though I know, respectively, my confidence improved the most while I was in college, it's continued to grow into a nearly-unmanageable beast now that I'm married. There's nothing quite like someone thinking you are the world--and expressing it often--for a little ego booster. When there's someone constantly telling you you're beautiful and smart and wonderful, and when your opinion of this person is pretty well equal to the one he has of you, it's hard not to believe it.
I always was told I was "cute," and just maybe "pretty," but--not including my mother and other family members who definitely don't count toward ego-boosting--beautiful was never something I thought I could be. God forbid anyone say I was sexy. I would've laughed right in their faces! That one is still a little hard for me, but, like I said, having this wonderful person building you up constantly has a way of wearing you down into confidence. Plus, you've got a ring on your finger, so who do you need to impress? Someone awesome loves you, so who cares what everyone else thinks?
Anyway, the moral of the story is, it's taken me 24 years (minus, of course, those lovely years of childhood where you just really don't care and have no idea what it means to be insecure), but I finally have found some self-esteem. And damn, does it feel good.
